Imagine all the people sharing DArchuleta

It has come to my notice that David Archuleta is not only a Simon Cowell favorite, but an American Idol favorite. This worries me, as I would like to consider myself out of the show’s target audience (not in age, but in spirit). Does this mean that I am as average as the next person? This is not what I (or my parents, who have tirelessly seen me through a number of elite – or elitist – institutions) want to hear!

However, it does make me feel better that the fourteen-year-old platinum blonde with braces in the audience cheered for one of the many (older) Jasons and not for little DArchuleta.

My loyalties are contemplating a shift a little amongst the men of the Top 20, as Jason Castro gave a weak rendition of Andy Gibb’s “I Just Want To Be Your Everything” and another David -- Hernandez put himself on the map with The Temptations’ “Papa Was A Rolling Stone”. Danny Noriega was reliably first-rate with The Carpenters’ “Superstar”, and DArchuleta gave a solid performance of John Lennon’s “Imagine” that brought the soft Paula Abdul to tears, claiming that it was “one of the most moving performances I have ever heard”, with Randy Jackson labeling it one of the best performances in Idol history.

Really?


[Courtesy of RadioKalin at YouTube]

I am Team Archuleta all the way (or as far as this road leads before it reaches trainwreck territory), but I didn’t feel his performance was as heartfelt and moving as McDrunky Abdul (what is up with her inability to enunciate?!) did. He could have sung it more tenderly in parts, though he was pitch-perfect last night. His “one to beat” performance seemed to have boosted his self-confidence considerably, though his laugh is still as endearingly donkey-like as ever.

Fortunately for him, America is far more prepared for a Mormon Idol than they are for a Mormon president.

Bitch may be the new black, but Chelsea is the new bitch

As the presidential race tightens its grip around Hillary Clinton’s neck, former first daughter Chelsea has been stepping up to the podium to do some damage-control. She was very purposefully kept out of the spotlight during the White House years when she entered as a frizzy-haired 12-year-old and surfaced a well-adjusted Stanford University junior. Now nearing 28 years old (her birthday is tomorrow), Chelsea is ostensibly doing this on her own terms.

Which means, for the most part, no interviews.

So what we can gather about this budding politician (don’t pretend you weren’t waiting for it) comes mostly secondhand and through her political presence at her mother’s rallies. To many college students, even those who consider themselves well-versed in politics and Hillary Clinton, she comes across as an encyclopedia of policies and comebacks. The New York Times quoted the founder of the University of Wisconsin at Madison “Students for Hillary” chapter as saying that Chelsea’s knowledge of nuclear base loads was “a little over my head”. Another student entered the room an Obama fan and left questioning his loyalties after feeling that Chelsea “came off as more of a regular person answering questions, but with an incredible amount of knowledge.”

Which is exactly what Chelsea was positioned to do. Except, when it comes to it, Chelsea’s wealth of knowledge would not or should not affect her mother’s presidency.

Chelsea has done a phenomenal job of staying out of the spotlight in her time at Stanford and the years following it. She had a short fling with fame and the spotlight while at Oxford as an early 20-something, but quickly renounced the Lindsay Lohan brand of glamour for a well-paying consulting job at McKinsey & Company in New York City. She left McKinsey in 2006 for a yet more rewarding position at Avenue Capital Group, a hedge fund. Currently on leave for her mother’s campaign, she is attracting attention from the media for her sudden emergence as a graceful amalgam of her parents: what she did not select from the gene pool in looks, she selected in personality traits.

New York magazine says her voice is “calm, conversational – none of Hillary’s proclivity to hector” and she is capable of “poking fun at herself in ways her parents seem utterly incapable of.” And surprise, surprise: when all of America was laughing or snickering, at best, at her frizzy strawberry mess and uneven complexion, she was perfecting her mojo. NY Mag dares to label Chelsea a flirt, a quality likely derived from her father. And the unreasonable intelligence, from her mother.

But Chelsea seems, above all, to have developed a mischievous assertiveness through it all, one that could serve her mother as much as it will serve her:

“The press is still all over me in London, but on the Continent, I can do what I want,” Chelsea told Women’s Wear Daily during the fashion shows, breaking her no-interview rule. When Harry Benson showed up unannounced at Oxford to shoot her portrait for a Vanity Fair profile, Chelsea agreed to pose for him without consulting her mother. “I’m a big girl now”
- New York Magazine.

For now, she is just a mother’s daughter, doing all she knows to do in support of a loved one who has exhibited her, hid her, betrayed her, and is now profiting off of her. Chelsea has done well for a child of two politicians of notoriety, and has inevitably picked up a trick or two. In time, she will rise as the bitchiest Clinton of all, thickly veiled with her polished turns of phrase, cool composure, and refined shows of tenacity. It will be her choice to enter into the game that made her family famous, but she will indubitably be the most emotionally poised Clinton to continue the dynasty. If America will have Hillary.

[Photo courtesy of Getty Images]

You're So Money

So, this thing called The Academy Awards. No huge surprises there, except Marion Cotillard’s win for Leading Actress. Her speech was endearingly incoherent and involved the words "Thank you life, thank you love” and a somewhat naïve exclamation of love for the city of Los Angeles, sort of.

But the best speech of the night goes to Le Mozart des Pickpockets director Philippe Pollet-Villard, who is French: “Thank you, thank you very much. I don't really speak English. I'm very bad student. I can say I'm very happy and I want to thank my producer Fabrice Goldstein and Antoine Rein and my wife Gaby and my son Sebastien. And merci beaucoups et puis a bientot pour un film plus grand. Merci. Au revoir.”

Of note, the JCPenney American Living commercials premiered during the Oscars, possibly being one of the few retailers to treat the broadcast as a refined Super Bowl. The commercials feature gorgeously idyllic scenes of family and love in New England autumn landscapes. What you don’t know, as Alison Krauss and Robert Plant sing a serene Americana song about leaves in red and gold, is that this is a JCPenney ad. It appears to be a Ralph Lauren commercial, and you expect to see teenagers dressed in outlandishly preppy pink polos and rugby shirts, sharing a first kiss on a swing facing a lake over which the sun is setting. It’s money, in its truest American form – a haughty turn of the nose to the nouveau riche and a tip of the hat to those whose descendants came with the Mayflower and settled in beachfront villages around Massachusetts and Cape Cod.

And it is. Money. And a Ralph Lauren creation.

Well, somehow the commercials seem to have made a large enough splash to those who are struggling to become the next nouveau riche. Moments after the Academy Awards went off-air and winners rushed into the press room to give more eloquent acceptance speeches, bloggers the country over were asking, “What’s the name of the song in that JCPenney American Living commercial?” (It’s “Killing The Blues” by Alison Krauss and Robert Plant.) “Where can I find the commercial?” (Here. There is, too, a third version of the commercial, featuring "Let's Dance" by Chris Montez, and a more youthful and less reverent look at the founding families of America.)

Just over six hours after the 80th Annual Academy Awards rolled up its red carpet, YouTube user “matousek1024” uploaded low-quality versions of the commercial for all of America – rich and poor – to enjoy. Several YouTube users were so desperate to spread the hope that they captured the commercial on video and posted their less-than-true-color versions. JCPenney may not make a buck off of the rich or the poor, but it has caught our attention, even if for a little while.



Close your eyes, and imagine that it’s not slushy February outside your window, that you are strangely European looking, though still blonde and still beautiful, that your last name is Endicott (see: Boston Brahmin), and you own an expansive plantation-like mansion in Hyannisport and think the scum of the earth gather in Provincetown. Yay for bringing back the good times and charging more for it than Abercrombie and Fitch does. Enjoy.

Gold-Leafed

The March issue of Domino magazine is green-themed. Which is all well and good, except for the fact that it’s done in a stiff, patronizing manner. Case in point: model-“activist” Lauren Bush’s mini-guide to traveling green.


[Photo courtesy of DominoMag.com]
9:00 a.m. Wake up. Start the coffeemaker with some fair-trade organic Cafe Femenino Peru, which is produced by Peruvian and Mexican women's cooperatives (groundsforchange.com). I'm catching a noon flight from New York to Houston, where I grew up. Time to pack. Fast.

First sign that she thinks she’s holier than thou – her flight, which is revealed a little later, is at noon. What ever happened to being there two hours beforehand?

9:05 a.m. Drag out vintage duffel bag from the thrift shop at Housing Works, a nonprofit that helps low-income and homeless people with HIV/ AIDS (housingworks.org).
Here “vintage” is an expensive euphemism for “used” in every sense of the word.

9:10 a.m. Lay out the basics— socks, undies and supersoft organic Loomstate T-shirts (loomstate.org). Move on to the toiletries. I always bring my chemicalfree Dr. Hauschka tinted day cream for a little post-travel color boost (drhauschka.com).

9:27 a.m. Take a break from packing to enjoy coffee and make myself two cage-free eggs over easy, with a little cheddar cheese on top.

9:51 a.m. Search for my iPod and petroleum-free lip balm (kissmyface.com) to throw in my carry-on FEED bag (see caption, below image). Time is running out, so I stop planning what to take and stuff the duffel with casual favorites, including a denim baby-doll dress from Linda Loudermilk (lindaloudermilk.com) and Maasai bracelets from a trip to Africa.

10:00 a.m. Phone rings—Ozocar is here. This genius car service uses exclusively hybrid vehicles. (ozocar.com) Grab an organic apple for a plane snack and hurry downstairs to the cobblestone streets of the West Village, where my apartment is. Although there's little green to be seen in NYC, urban living is inherently eco-friendly.

Yes – that is if you take public transportation or walk everywhere.

10:39 a.m. At the airport, breeze through check-in and hustle to security. Reluctantly send my Toms slip-ons down the belt (I forgot to wear socks—yuck) and walk barefoot through the metal detector. I'm a big fan of the Toms business model: For every pair you buy, the company gives another to a needy child (tomsshoes.com).

10:41 a.m. Stopped by a security guard who discovers my biodynamic calendula moisturizer (jurlique.com) and wants to toss it. Argue with her not to—I had clearly used more than half of the four-ounce tube! She won't budge so I relent, knowing my tiny jar of Tammy Fender Antioxidant Creme got through.

Aw, poor little rich girl. Just because you’re the President’s niece does not give you special rights to send a $67 tube of moisturizer through just because you were too lazy to pack in advance and think about security regulations.

11:41 a.m. Finally on board. Take out a used copy of The Kite Runner I bought at the Strand (strandbooks.com).

There’s also something called the library. Or Amazon.com, you pretentious biatch.

12:00 p.m. Up we go. Put on some of the Tammy Fender (tammyfender.com) and then doze off.

12:44 p.m. Wake in a panic. I neglected to offset my carbon emissions for the flight! Make mental note to do this later (carbonfund.org) and drift back to sleep.

Hmm, maybe we should offset all the wrong we have ever done by dropping a wad of cash, too? Some activism!

2:24 p.m. Reach into my bag for that apple. Aware of someone coughing a few rows back, I slip a vitamin-packed Airborne tablet into my water. Pull out journal (made of postconsumer paper, naturally) and sketch out clothing concepts. I studied fashion and I love to play around with eco fabrics like bamboo and hemp-silk. I designed my outfit (above) for an Earth Pledge benefit (earthpledge.org).

2:56 p.m. Pilot announces descent. Apply lip balm.

What, no unabashed plug for Lizard Lips or Kiss My Face? Guess a fledging eco-friendly brand couldn’t afford you, Miss Laura Bush, or Domino magazine.

3:23 p.m. Land. My dad picks me up in his Toyota Camry Hybrid, which gets a solid 30 mpg (toyota.com).

6:42 p.m. Dinner with family and friends at our favorite Mexican joint, Molina's. Being one of the rare Texan vegetarians, I opt for veggie tacos. At age 4, I realized that meat came from animals and have not been able to eat it since.
So pretentious I’m not even sure what to say.

8:30 p.m. Return home in a food coma and veg (ha-ha).

10:57 p.m. Crawl in bed, review the day ahead and plan tomorrow's outfit. Decide on my super-easy-to-wear John Patrick Organic cashmere slip dress (johnpatrickorganic.com). Night-night.

Because, clearly, in a world where children are dying of HIV/AIDS and rainforests are being deforested, her outfit is of the utmost importance.

I’m no tree-hugger, but could Lauren Bush be any more self-righteous? How much is Domino paying her for all this? Or maybe they’re giving her these “eco-friendly” beauty products in exchange for her services. Also, a shoe that benefits needy children does not a green shoe make. Get it straight, bitches!

The Next Zac Efron

My usual routine with American Idol is to watch the auditions for gems like Ian Benardo, followed by a couple of episodes along the way, just to have something to talk about if dinner conversation ever deteriorated to American Idol. I’d never before seen a top 24, nevertheless a top 12, episode. This season, I have been following the show from its first audition and am going to test myself to see how long I can last.

Remember when American Idol was only on once, twice a week? My, my, how far it has come. The top 12 guys performed in front of a live audience last night, and it became really apparent who is mere amateur material and who has what it takes. I’m no Simon Cowell, but my favorite guys thus far are David Archuleta, Danny Noriega and Jason Castro.



[Photo courtesy of AmericanIdol.com]
Let’s talk David Archuleta for a moment: he is not, by way of personality, someone you would expect to have gotten this far. He is a pubescent Zac Efron: young -- seventeen, and self-deprecatingly charming. But he can sing. He is, as the abominable Ryan Seacrest said, extremely likable. Even Simon likes him. But does that automatically qualify him to be among the top runners for the title of American Idol?

I’m torn on this one. American Idol could be a horrible curse for Archuleta, exploiting him at a young eighteen and spitting him out before he’s twenty-one, leaving him debilitated and dependent, (at worst) a male Britney Spears. Or it could thrust him into a very dim limelight for a longer period of time, allowing him to pursue his dreams at his own accord, struggling in a way that would never allow for the birth of a diva.

At worst, he would return to Murray High School in Utah, finish off his final year, and jump on the road as a stand-in for ZEfron on the High School Musical tour. If (high school) musicals are still hot in a few years, Archuleta will have gained some confidence and groomed his charm enough to surpass Zac Efron at his own game … and in youthfulness, vocal ability, and looks.

Ya dig?

Now, let’s take bets on who DArchuleta will choose as his beard, and whether he will be desperate enough to stand by her side when her cell phone sex “tape” surfaces. Except his Mormonism (Utah brand, no less) might stand in his way.

[Photo courtesy of LDSFilm.com]

Cory Kennedy is Dead

[Photo courtesy of thecobrasnake.com]
I don't think even Cory Kennedy-Levin believes in her one-time internet It status anymore. The Cobrasnake, which put her on the It list register, probably realizes this too, and is selling "premium" Cory Kennedy t-shirts while her star is still bright enough to see with the naked eye -- for a mere $109, you too can prance around where no one knows or cares about Cory with Cory Kennedy-Levin's face splattered over your chest.

She has put on a couple of pounds over what feels like the five years since she became a fashion icon for people mostly in countries where cannabis is legalized and lost that gaunt, wholesome lost soul look she once possessed. Instead, she looks like a greasy, homeless heroin addict. And somehow, she's been seventeen for twelve years now. (Okay, to be fair, she turned eighteen just last week.) New York magazine, however, seems not to have caught on. It featured Cory a couple of weeks ago in a Fashion Week feature, in which they published a chain of text message conversations between The Cobrasnake's Mark Hunter and Ms. Kennedy-Levin:

COBRASNAKE NETFLIX NEW YORK: How’s the gucci thing
CORY NYC: So freaking weird
CORY NYC: I mean
CORY NYC: I’m just staring at tome cruise and katie holmes
COBRASNAKE NETFLIX NEW YORK: That’s so cool
CORY NYC: At least devons here
COBRASNAKE NETFLIX NEW YORK: So its a si ti party
CORY NYC: No
CORY NYC: Its a celeb party
CORY NYC: Everyones here
COBRASNAKE NETFLIX NEW YORK: Wow. Amazing.
COBRASNAKE NETFLIX NEW YORK: Take photos
CORY NYC: I don’t even want to
CORY NYC: There’s just too many
COBRASNAKE NETFLIX NEW YORK: That’s so cooool
COBRASNAKE NETFLIX NEW YORK: To bad I’m not thereeee
CORY NYC: I know you would ddddiiiie
CORY NYC: Like donald trumps here
CORY NYC: Its redic
COBRASNAKE NETFLIX NEW YORK: Amazing
CORY NYC: I’m so tired
COBRASNAKE NETFLIX NEW YORK: I bet. I took a disco napp

Ah, so young and so jaded. Blasé. Such a teenager, but so aged it's no longer a perverse fascination. Don't cry too hard -- Mark Hunter has more where Cory came from, svelter than death itself, and with a wider variety of substance abuse problems to boot.

There Are Too Many Fish In the Sea

I suppose I should say something about Valentine’s Day. I’m not a huge fan of the holiday, and I’ve moved past the stage of being anti-Valentine’s Day. I’m not one of those people who thinks it’s just another excuse for chocolate and card companies to make a quick buck (although this is, like many holidays, true), and I don’t preach the notion that everyday should be Valentine’s Day. My favorite thing about it, at this stage in my life, is the huge sale on chocolates that comes immediately afterwards.

That said, I have some particularly well-written and enjoyable literature for those who share what I believe to be a realistic view of love and loss:

- Atlantic Monthly: Marry Him! looks at the notion of “settling” from the perspective of someone who hasn’t settled.
- New York Times: Another Cup is a romantic’s lamentations, over coffee.
- NY Mag: The Ivy League Co-ed Who Has Orgasms In Her Sleep follows a Columbia student along on a week of romantic travails.
- The Huffington Post: e-Vsdropping: Bill’s Valentine to Hillary takes a peek behind closed doors.

Maybe next year, I’ll try to gather up enough oomph to write something touchingly real. Until then, Happy Fishing!

[Photo courtesy of Film Magic]

Hark back to the olden days ...

... when the kids and hanger-ons of Laguna Beach were on fire.

I trust you've seen or at least heard about the joke that was the Spencer Pratt directed Heidi Montag music video for her single "Higher". Well if you haven't, it was nothing less (or more) than a home video of her romping around on the beach, flinging her arms aimlessly around like a Backstreet Boy. The video is so ridiculous, in fact, that it has flung her up onto iTunes' top 10 list for pop songs. In an interview with Us Weekly, she admitted that "I cried myself to sleep that first night after my video came out ... I just couldn't understand why people I didn't even know felt the need to be so cruel and hurtful toward me." She didn't make it any better when she added that "We were at the beach and, literally, Spencer had his camera and a boom box in the trunk ... We did it in one take, maybe two, and it took us 20 minutes to film and cost us zero dollars ... We had other ideas but we couldn't afford them."

Spencer, being the best Spencer he could be, took full advantage of the situation -- which, we all know, he himself created: "I just held her and told her it was going to be OK."

Stephen Colletti, in a strange turn of events, has found himself in the middle of an online presidential debate of sorts. Here are some juicier bits, if you think statistical knowledge is sexy:

Dana: pay attention to all the fine print. cnn along with any other "statistical" information is assumed and based on "sources." hence, lack of reliability. and if you're referring to "exit polls" and "surveys," do you realize how illegitimate those are?

Stephen: kinda like [Hillary] losing by a 2 to 1 margin in every state this weekend, and losing 3 more tomorrow? and [Obama] having more of national popular vote, and him being up 21 state to 10 after tomorrow. lol ... and he will win by healthy margins in the 3 primaries tomorrow.

Not too bad for someone who probably got too much sun growing up. Maybe he should think about quitting One Tree Hill (is he even still on that?) and think about becoming a political prophet.


[Photo courtesy of TeenVogue.com]
Lastly, this is actually somewhat related to Laguna Beach though probably more people will care: Stacey Farber of Degrassi fame is now interning at Teen Vogue in New York City. Looks like Teen Vogue loves its young celebs and the attention they garner.

The 50th Annual Grammy Awards

[Photo courtesy of Getty Images]
I remember when going to school the day after the Grammys meant lengthy discussions (sometimes in class, if you were taking Music as an elective) about whether Christina Aguilera really deserved Best New Artist, and what-in-the-hell was Britney wearing – again!? So the validity of the Best New Artist award is still constantly in flux and we’re still questioning what goes on in that little mind of Britney Spears, but it seems everything else has changed.

For a 50th annual awards show, the Grammy Awards were surprisingly low-key. Everyone (and by this, I mostly mean Kanye West) was well-behaved and cordial, the performances predictably boring (re: Alicia Keys and Frank Sinatra’s “duet”). What was surprising was the seeming throwback to rewarding artists based on their actual talent and not how many records they’ve sold. Probably because no one is selling any records these days. The New York Times said that Alicia Keys’ number one album “As I Am” came in at a near record-low for a number one album, at 61,000 records sold.

While the Recording Academy still gave the necessary awards to the Justin Timberlakes and Rihannas, it also awarded Album of the Year to Herbie Hancock! There was almost a snobbery behind it, a la the Academy Awards: Kanye and Amy, you’re still babies, you’ve still got your chance. Well, maybe not for Amy Winehouse, if rehab doesn’t go well for her.

But after all of the bizarre fascination with Amy Winehouse’s drug problems and difficulties with obtaining a visa for the Grammys, last night’s performance had a childlike wonder to it. I don’t know if it was the fact that it was nearly 4am in London, the rehab (and the presumed weight gain), or the mere surreality of winning a Grammy via satellite that did it, but it was kind of touching. And it made me like her a little more for it.

But back to the questions that really matter: what the hell was Beyonce wearing on the red carpet!?

Settling

[Photo courtesy of www.thelugeman.com]

Two days after Super Duper Tuesday, two days after Romney said, "People thought it would be all done tonight … it's not all done. We're going to win this thing”, he has dropped out. I’m actually mourning this loss in my little ways. He was fun to pretend to cheer for, mostly because he is just so gosh-darned good looking … and it was fun to poke fun at his mysterious undergarments and the notion that he didn’t drink coffee, tea or alcohol. But having lived in Massachusetts for much of his reign as governor, I kind of liked him. He did well in Massachusetts, at least on the matters I cared about – human rights, mostly. Oh well. I’ll buy a t-shirt or something to commemorate what could’ve (never) been.

That said, let’s turn our attention to Heath Ledger. Yesterday it was made official that he died accidentally, having taken a deadly combination of prescription drugs. Now that that’s been cleared, something else has popped up: his rental (whose address has been ingrained into many a memory: 421 Broome Street) is up for grabs! Won’t this guy ever get a break!? Not only did Corcoran jack up the monthly rental to $25,000, $3000 more than the great late paid, but they added this fine gem to the listing: "You don't wait around in a hot rental market like this." Of course not … the first one to make the winning bid can catch his dead skin particles, still settling.

Super Duper Tuesday

It's Super Tuesday in three super-de-duper ways:
1. 24 states get to vote for who they want to represent their party (and in select states, you don't even have to be affiliated!) in November's presidential elections.
2. The Giants came home to New York (and New Jersey) to celebrate with the fans who didn't feel like shelling out thousands of dollars to celebrate with them in Arizona.
3. It's Fat Tuesday, Carnivale, whatever! It all means “Big Party”.

By now, if you intended on voting for your candidate of choice, you have probably already done so, so let's just talk gossip until the results are released.

Some of the lesser but still interesting news that's collected over the past few days:
- Lauren Conrad and Whitney Port of The Hills and formerly of Teen Vogue, are confirmed to be working for a fashion PR firm called “People's Revolution”
- Conrad came out top on Radar magazine's Fashion Influence List, 16 spots above American Vogue editor Anna Wintour! This is actually kind of appalling.
- Katharine McPhee married 42-year-old Nick Cokas on Saturday. And no one cares, apparently, except me. How sad.
- Apparently Aaron Carter has crawled out of the woodworks with a plea on his MySpace, supposedly in response to a YouTube video a fan made of Aaron and Hilary Duff in their days together: “EVERYBODY MAKES MISTAKES, BUT YOU LIVE AND YOU LEARN. HILARY WHEN YOUR READY. IM HERE. I WANT TO SAY THANK YOU FOR WHOMEVER PUT THIS TOGETHER. IT MEANS A LOT TO ME." Maybe when he learns how to differentiate “your” and “you're” she'll be ready. He's come a long way, though. He knows “a lot” is two words and not one.

Okay, Target must think its clientele are a bunch of idiots, because it's now February 5th, less than a month before the “arrival” of the “mystery” designer duo, and details have yet to be released! Except, oh wait, NOT. Any fashion forward teen or slightly stunted adult will have already seen the pieces in magazines as Teen Vogue or, stupider yet, the ADVERTISING SPREADS. Target, you are my heart and soul and I would never betray you, but this is a load of crap.

Anyway, those who have tried hard enough have found the press site for the newest Go International collection. Most items seem awkwardly frumpy or paired with mismatched patterns. The sleeveless version of the likable Chiffon Crosshatch Print Apron Dress, also priced at $39.99, is the collection's worst offender thus far. It's shapeless, overly lace-trimmed, and fit for a girl. It looks like something you could pick up at Wal-mart for $7. In the 4-6X section.

I'm not impressed.

[Photo courtesy of Target.com]

They Tried to Make Me Go To Rehab and I Said "Yes, yes, yes!"

Okay, so the UCLA "Psychiatric Ward" isn't technically rehab. But it's seen its share of starts: not only did Ms. Britney end up there in the wee hours of the morning, but it turns out Grey's Anatomy's Justin Chambers checked himself in there on Monday and was released on Wednesday, for "exhaustion".

Is there anything else to say on this matter? I can't think of this as funny in the least ... she's obviously in over her head and it's sad rather than remotely funny. It was funny when she first started dating KFed, because we didn't think she'd actually go this far. It was funny when she got knocked up almost immediately after having Sean Preston, because we thought she still had hope. There's no fun in speculating what might happen now, because it probably will. But I don't know what's worse for Britney Spears: everyone watching her or no one caring about her decline anymore.

I think the real funny news of the day is that The Hills' Lauren Conrad (drunkenly) nearly let her girls run amuck when she celebrated her 22nd birthday last night in Los Angeles:


[Photo courtesy of Wenn]
It's a good thing she's not working at Teen Vogue anymore. Lisa Love can't call her out on soiling the mag's preppy-bohemian reputation.

The State of our Union

[Photo courtesy of MIT's Steer Roast]

I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve never been one to follow the news. Not “hard news”, anyhow. But something about this presidential race, paired with the ever-declining state of the American economy, is doing it for me. Let’s devote a short minute or two to “hard news”, shall we?

Presidential Candidates Dropping Like Flies
Democrat John Edwards came full circle today, announcing from New Orleans that he was dropping out of the presidential race – the same city from which he first announced, back in January 2006, his intentions to run for president.

Let’s face it – he certainly has – no one ever really paid him half a mind. The highlight of his campaign, in my opinion, was his support of Obama in Obama vs. Clinton and Clinton, round two: the Martin Luther King, Jr. battle. Even then, I thought he was only acting with leechlike intentions and trying to come out of the battle unscathed (which he did) and smelling like a rose.

I’m not sure if this was a smart move on his part. As the Obama-Clinton (and Clinton) mud-slinging continues, he could’ve had half (of half) a chance. Roll your pants up, everyone, now that Edwards is out of the way, it’s gonna turn into a full-on mud-wrestling tournament.

And good ole Rudy ... really, we don’t need to comment on that because we all learned in kindergarten not to put all our eggs in one basket.

The American Economy is Doomed! (And We’re Taking Everyone Down With Us)
The Federal Reserve lowered short-term interest rates for the second time in just over a week! The Fed lowered the rate by three-quarters of a point on January 22nd, and by half a point today. The New York Times uses September 11, 2001 as a comparison point: even then, the rate was only lowered by a half-point.

Like I said, I’m no news buff and am certainly not versed in economics or finance, so I can’t tell you exactly what this all means. But I can tell you that words like “recession” and “screwed” come to mind.

Mini Sneak-Peek

At long last, a little trickle of a visual aid has escaped Target's grasp and we are awarded with a glimpse of the upcoming (yet unannounced) Jovovich-Hawk for Target line:


[Photo courtesy of Sally Jane Vintage]

I'm really not feeling the top, but the shorts are cute. I'm hoping the entire line won't be marred by busy floral prints and will stick closer to the neutrals or muted prints Jovovich-Hawk has done in the past. But only time will tell. If rumors have any truth to them, Target will likely unveil the "mystery designers" on its site this Friday, with the opening of the Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week in New York City.


[Photo courtesy of marcjacobs.com]

Also in commemoration of Fashion Week are a few new "Special Items" over at Marc by Marc Jacobs. Along the same vein as last year's self-aware "Jacobs by Marc Jacobs" tote bag is this year's "Fashion Week Promotional Bag" which cleverly says on the flip-side, "Free With Purchase of Expensive Handbag". Go get 'em while they're hot at your local Marc by Marc Jacobs store for $17.

Celebrities Gone Desperate

Let's start off with someone who shouldn't even be considered a celebrity: Riley Giles. Or Giley Riles. Let's just call him LL: The Cirque Conquest. After selling his story about how ravishing Lohan is in bed, he has "revealed" now on his MySpace that it was all a plan he and fiance Bree Tierney had created to rake in the cash:
Bree & I then faked a breakup, putting the blame on linds so bree could sell her $tory. Only did i know that things would get so serious with us. our trips to la and ny were lame, she wanted the attention & drugs, and everything that put her in cirque ... I then had some pics/videos im sure that would sell, what was i to do with them? The money i got off that, i bought my beautiful fiance a new, REAL ring.

He sounds like an idiot, but I really don't like Lindsay. It's a win-win for one Mr. Giles, anyhow. That is -- if he can escape the wrath of the Lohan and her ever-evanescing posse.

Wait, WHAT!? I thought Adrian Grenier needed a smack upside his head when he started hanging out with Paris Hilton. But now I hear that The L Word's androgynous hottie Katherine Moennig has been seen out with the socialite. And apparently this isn't news -- it's just being brought up in light of Paris and Brittny Gastineau's parade around town.

Turns out that Paris and Brittny were spotted at several LA lesbian hot spot, and Paris was spotted on yet another occasion with Lindsay Lohan's alleged live-in lesbian lover (number two) Courtenay Semel.

Either Paris is getting really desperate for attention or she's already clawed her way through the men of Hollywood and is starting on the women.

[Photo courtesy of Wenn.com]

Cheap Eats in NYC

Still recovering from the financial setbacks of a college education, I’ve spent the past four months dipping into the great pool of cheap eats in New York City. Here are the five best I’ve happened upon thus far:

5. Alice’s Tea Cup
Click here for locations
I was hesitant to try this place at first, after having read that Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen cited it as one of their NYC haunts (alongside the mostly deplorable Serendipity 3). But a craving for some esoteric tea and true British scones could not be sated, and I was formally introduced to Alice’s incomparable pumpkin scones. For $9, a pot of tea (3-4 cups) and two rich scones are yours. Sounds like a good meal to me, anytime.

There are now three locations in New York City, but my favorite is the East Side location.

4. Dallas BBQ
Click here for locations
This might sound like a joke, but I’m serious. The fries are great, the ribs are as good they come, and the drinks are HUGE. Come hungry, leave tipsy!

3. Mitali
334 E 6th Street, between 1st and 2nd Avenue

The décor’s a little off, but this place offers the best Indian I’ve ever had. I highly recommend the Aloo Motor Gobi. And their alcoholic beverages come complete with corny, euphemistic names like “nectar” and “love”.

2. Cucina di Pesce
87 E 4th St, between 2nd and 3rd Avenue

This one’s a hidden gem. For a little over $20, you can have yourself an intimate and romantic three-course meal. Try everything, including going in the summertime when you can sit outside and people-watch.

1. Café Gitane
242 Mott Street, between Prince and Houston

Okay, so I obviously missed out on the days it was the place hipsters flocked to, but I’m kind of glad. This French-Moroccan place has an amazing couscous platter and chicken sandwich. I can’t imagine that anything here would be anything but heavenly. Apparently Gisele Bundchen still pops in every once in a while, and it still draws a steady stream of models and artsy clientele. If you find beautiful women to be a turnoff, don’t let them stop you — for once, those hipsters got it right.

Bloomin' Babies

If “preggers” was the word on everyone’s mind in 2007’s Hollywood, “poppin’” might be the one in 2008. In the two weeks since we turned the page, two young pop icons have popped out two young’uns, and at least two others have announced that they are going to reproduce in the coming year.

Here’s my completely non-comprehensive list. Feel free to add on:

Birthed:
- Max Liron Bratman – Christina Aguilera and Jordan Bratman
- Harlow Winter Kate Madden – Nicole Richie and Joel Madden

Still floating in amniotic fluid:
- Baby Spears III - Jamie-Lynn Spears and Casey Aldridge or Creepy Old Executive
- Baby Anthony I and II – Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony
- Baby Upton III – Cate Blanchett and Andrew Upton
- Baby Aubry – Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry
- Baby Urban – Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban
- Baby McConaughey – Camila Alves and Matthew McConaughey

Rumors are circulating that Avril Lavigne is spawning, although she has slammed those down quicker than a flyswatter to a mosquito. But isn’t that how most pregnancy announcements start out?

Parents too embarrassed to acknowledge his/her existence:
- Baby Whibley - Avril Lavigne and Deryck Whibley
- Baby Jolie-Pitt CXII – Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt
- Baby Parker – Eva Longoria and Tony Parker
- Baby Duhamel – Stacy “Fergie” Ferguson and Josh Duhamel (oh God, please let this be true!)
- Baby Ghalib – Britney Spears and Adnan Ghalib
- Baby (Goliath) Martin III - Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin

Imagine all these kids (minus Baby Spears III) going to school together … and then spawning again, when they grow up to be high school sweethearts. Gene selection at its best – this time minus Max Bratman, Harlow Madden and Baby Whibley.

Announcements are usually made in the third or fourth month. This is January 16th. That gives Hollywood another five-and-a-half months to get knocked up in time for The Crossroads School’s Class of 2026. Jesus.

The Sorbitol Diet

On Friday, news spread about an article published in the past week’s “British Medical Journal” on sorbitol, the artificial sweetener. Sorbitol is the latest and greatest artificial sweetener found in gum, most notably Orbit and Eclipse. Apparently there have been two cases of excessive weight loss (following chronic diarrhea and abdominal pain, natch) in sugar-free gum chain-chewers.

A 21-year-old woman chewed a mere fifteen to eighteen sticks of the stuff a day before noticing its effects. The other, a 46-year-old man, was chewing 20 sticks a day. Their doctors found that as soon as they had stopped chewing the sorbitol-infested gum, symptoms subsided and normal weight was achieved.

Not to endorse or provoke it or anything, but anyone else think this is going to be the new underground diet fad? À la Mary-Kate Olsen’s supposed Starbucks (but really cocaine) diet?

Class of 2007, The Playlist

My posts have mostly been making me sound like I have a stick up my ass, so today’s entry is just lighthearted nonsense. Imeem.com has been publishing celebrities’ favorite songs of 2007. I’m no celebrity, but here are some songs that I think defined 2007:


[Photo courtesy of bethelwholesale.com]

10. “Umbrella”, Rihanna
Okay, no one actually likes this song but it’s become some sort of pop culture phenomenon, with everyone from Mandy Moore and Dashboard Confessional covering it. It even launched Marié Digby’s career. I still don’t know what the big deal is, but if any song were to win the Class of 2007 award, it’s actually my personal number ten, “Umbrella (ella ella eh eh eh)”.

Superlative: Most likely to spawn a hike in umbrella-shaped earrings sales

9. “Give It To Me”, Timbaland ft. Justin Timberlake and Nelly Furtado
The Club Song. The Song Whose Name I Never Remember but The Song I Will Never Forget.

Superlative: Most likely to make petite Asian girls think they’ve got street cred.

8. “Say It Right”, Nelly Furtado
There’s no explaining this one. It’s just like the Backstreet Boys’ “I Want It That Way.” It makes little sense, but it’s addictive.

Superlative: Most likely to provoke girl-on-girl dancing. Or maybe it’s just because I went to a women’s college.

7. “This Is Why I’m Hot”, MIMS
No one can deny the brilliance of this song and the ingenuity of its lyrics: “I’m hot ‘cause I’m fly, you ain’t ‘cause you not. This is why, this is why, this is why I’m hot.”

Superlative: Sexiest opening bars, if you can call that pulsing beat music.

6. “Don’t Matter”, Akon
Romantic, yes, but secretly the most LGBT-sympathetic song of the year. I mean … “how much of a queen you are to me”? Come on.

Superlative: Most difficult song to dance to at the club when flyin’ solo

5. “Here In Your Arms”, Hellogoodbye
For the head-bopping, arm-raising white boy in all of us.

Superlative: Most WASPy song lyric (“Hello, I miss you quite terribly”)

4. “The Sweet Escape”, Gwen Stefani ft. Akon
It took me two months of dancing to this two times a week to figure out what she was saying about the refrigerator. And when I did, it was euphoric.

Superlative: Most likely to prompt ridiculous dancing. And possibly a “Sweet Escape” Dance.

3. “Buy U A Drank”, T-Pain
Nothing screams early summer angst like the oohing and aahing of T-Pain.

Superlative: Best song to proclaim love of a member of the same sex to. Because you’d get bitch slapped any other way.

2. “Glamorous”, Fergie
Any song that introduces ghetto vocabulary into the American mainstream while still teaching me how to spell and telling me to get my “broke ass home” is awesome in my book.

Superlative: Most likely to provoke intellectual conversation and debate over whether she’s saying “flossy flossy” or “flouncy flouncy.” Apparently we were too preppy to understand.

1. “Cupid’s Chokehold”, Gym Class Heroes
If lyrics like “… she even cooks me pancakes and Alka Seltzer when my tummy aches” ain’t love, then I don’t know what love is.

Superlative: Best expression of vocal ability with use of the words “ba da da da”. I still can’t get the pitch right when I’m sober.

Final verdict: I spent a lot of time dancing with girls in the first half of 2007.

Arriving: Eventually

[Photo courtesy of jovovich-hawk.com, from their Spring 2008 Collection]

In an uncharacteristic turn, Target’s Go International is keeping mum about its next designer, who fashion aficionados know – and have known for upwards of four months – to be the design team Jovovich-Hawk. In the past year or so, Target has lined its designers back-to-back, with arrivals and departures within days of one another. Erin Fetherstone’s disappointing collection departed on January 5th, and still, there has been no official word or press release from Target, never mind the sneak peeks of outfits.

Word has it that Target wants to make the Jovovich-Hawk debut at New York’s Olympus Fashion Week in early February.

Jovovich has said, “Our Target line will have all our classic pieces: smock dresses, tunics, minis, all vintage-inspired, great prints. We took the things that sold the best for us but we’re doing it on a bigger scale.”

Whatever the reason, throw the dog a damn bone already! Or could it be that Target’s bottomless well of designers is beginning to run dry?

The Jovovich-Hawk line is set to “arrive” at Target stores nationwide on March 2nd.