Juicy juicy juicy ...

First off ... I'd like to say: What the hell was I thinking when I decided to sit down and watch the MTV Video Music Awards last night!? I regret having wasted three-and-a-half hours of my life, and I want them back. It was dry, dry, dry despite a soaking-wet Kelly Clarkson finale, isolated pockets of rain throughout the arena, and cute little water tunnels through which all members of Green Day should've walked through the gazillion times they had to go up there to accept awards.

Perhaps it is an unwavering loyalty I feel towards MTV and its almost always overhyped awards show that drew me back last night ... or perhaps it was a sinister wish to see Lindsay Lohan in an uncompromising situation. Either way, I lost out. Although last night, Lohan certainly looked healthier in the cheeks, if not in the chest-area ... and MTV has certainly fueled temporary crushes on dark, eyelinered lead singers Billie Joe, Brandon (Flowers, for those who don't like The Killers or aren't fifteen anymore) and an uncanny attraction to the creepy lead singer of My Chemical Romance, whose name I never want to learn.

... and for more catty, high school-y news.

Maria Sharapova and Adam Levine!? Sharapova didn't deny it when New York's Daily News poked and prodded her about it. "Right now I'm known to be dating three guys ... So I guess I'm just a cheater. What can I say?" I think she's already said too much.

Bai Ling and Nick Carter!? All I can say to that is ew, ew, ew. If you thought Paris Hilton was dirty, you were wrong. This sometimes-bald Chinese "actress" (more like socialite-turned-wannabe-actress ... what was she actually in!?) has been hitting on poor Nicky and the two were spotted exchanging numbers, according to The New York Post. If Nick wants to go Asian, he can come my way ... no need to deal with butchy bald brats!

Mandy Moore and Hugh Grant!? Just kidding. Apparently they worked together recently on a film titled American Dreamz, and Mandy has developed a crush on her co-star. What took you so long, Mandy!? I've had a crush on him since I was thirteen and he was ... well, old enough to be my father.

A friend and I spotted Ashlee Simpson and her pals lunching outdoors at an eatery in West Village the day after she appeared on TRL. Nothing scandalous to report there ... unless you think deviating from her new style (aka Jessica's) is a scandal. She was sporting her trademark Converses, bug-eyed sunglasses and a gray newsboy cap.

So long sweet summer ...

I am back with a vengeance. I guess you could call the sparse-ness of this past summer an extended summer vacation. Although what I was truly doing was working my ass off at MTV and schmoozing for the latest celebrity gossip.

I do have some insider info for you, but I'm going to have to be tactful about it. Last Saturday night, after the Teen People Young Hollywood party in Los Angeles, Mischa Barton and her seventeen-year-old sister Hania were spotted being rolled -- in wheelchairs -- through the lobby of the Four Seasons, drop-dead-drunk.

Also, a young singer/actress whom you may not suspect has been around town snorting cocaine with extras. It may explain why she's been looking somewhat gaunt lately and has seemed to "lose her baby fat." I like her and really would like to refuse to believe it, but ... she's lookin' pretty skinny these days.

That's the juiciest stuff I've got to share with you from my experiences this past summer, but there's more to come. Like the fact that there is NO secret to The Click Five's perfectly straight hair. Eric, Joey, Joe, Ben and Ethan just wake up and roll out of bed like that. Please, Eric.