They Tried to Make Me Go To Rehab and I Said "Yes, yes, yes!"

Okay, so the UCLA "Psychiatric Ward" isn't technically rehab. But it's seen its share of starts: not only did Ms. Britney end up there in the wee hours of the morning, but it turns out Grey's Anatomy's Justin Chambers checked himself in there on Monday and was released on Wednesday, for "exhaustion".

Is there anything else to say on this matter? I can't think of this as funny in the least ... she's obviously in over her head and it's sad rather than remotely funny. It was funny when she first started dating KFed, because we didn't think she'd actually go this far. It was funny when she got knocked up almost immediately after having Sean Preston, because we thought she still had hope. There's no fun in speculating what might happen now, because it probably will. But I don't know what's worse for Britney Spears: everyone watching her or no one caring about her decline anymore.

I think the real funny news of the day is that The Hills' Lauren Conrad (drunkenly) nearly let her girls run amuck when she celebrated her 22nd birthday last night in Los Angeles:


[Photo courtesy of Wenn]
It's a good thing she's not working at Teen Vogue anymore. Lisa Love can't call her out on soiling the mag's preppy-bohemian reputation.

The State of our Union

[Photo courtesy of MIT's Steer Roast]

I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve never been one to follow the news. Not “hard news”, anyhow. But something about this presidential race, paired with the ever-declining state of the American economy, is doing it for me. Let’s devote a short minute or two to “hard news”, shall we?

Presidential Candidates Dropping Like Flies
Democrat John Edwards came full circle today, announcing from New Orleans that he was dropping out of the presidential race – the same city from which he first announced, back in January 2006, his intentions to run for president.

Let’s face it – he certainly has – no one ever really paid him half a mind. The highlight of his campaign, in my opinion, was his support of Obama in Obama vs. Clinton and Clinton, round two: the Martin Luther King, Jr. battle. Even then, I thought he was only acting with leechlike intentions and trying to come out of the battle unscathed (which he did) and smelling like a rose.

I’m not sure if this was a smart move on his part. As the Obama-Clinton (and Clinton) mud-slinging continues, he could’ve had half (of half) a chance. Roll your pants up, everyone, now that Edwards is out of the way, it’s gonna turn into a full-on mud-wrestling tournament.

And good ole Rudy ... really, we don’t need to comment on that because we all learned in kindergarten not to put all our eggs in one basket.

The American Economy is Doomed! (And We’re Taking Everyone Down With Us)
The Federal Reserve lowered short-term interest rates for the second time in just over a week! The Fed lowered the rate by three-quarters of a point on January 22nd, and by half a point today. The New York Times uses September 11, 2001 as a comparison point: even then, the rate was only lowered by a half-point.

Like I said, I’m no news buff and am certainly not versed in economics or finance, so I can’t tell you exactly what this all means. But I can tell you that words like “recession” and “screwed” come to mind.

Mini Sneak-Peek

At long last, a little trickle of a visual aid has escaped Target's grasp and we are awarded with a glimpse of the upcoming (yet unannounced) Jovovich-Hawk for Target line:


[Photo courtesy of Sally Jane Vintage]

I'm really not feeling the top, but the shorts are cute. I'm hoping the entire line won't be marred by busy floral prints and will stick closer to the neutrals or muted prints Jovovich-Hawk has done in the past. But only time will tell. If rumors have any truth to them, Target will likely unveil the "mystery designers" on its site this Friday, with the opening of the Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week in New York City.


[Photo courtesy of marcjacobs.com]

Also in commemoration of Fashion Week are a few new "Special Items" over at Marc by Marc Jacobs. Along the same vein as last year's self-aware "Jacobs by Marc Jacobs" tote bag is this year's "Fashion Week Promotional Bag" which cleverly says on the flip-side, "Free With Purchase of Expensive Handbag". Go get 'em while they're hot at your local Marc by Marc Jacobs store for $17.

Celebrities Gone Desperate

Let's start off with someone who shouldn't even be considered a celebrity: Riley Giles. Or Giley Riles. Let's just call him LL: The Cirque Conquest. After selling his story about how ravishing Lohan is in bed, he has "revealed" now on his MySpace that it was all a plan he and fiance Bree Tierney had created to rake in the cash:
Bree & I then faked a breakup, putting the blame on linds so bree could sell her $tory. Only did i know that things would get so serious with us. our trips to la and ny were lame, she wanted the attention & drugs, and everything that put her in cirque ... I then had some pics/videos im sure that would sell, what was i to do with them? The money i got off that, i bought my beautiful fiance a new, REAL ring.

He sounds like an idiot, but I really don't like Lindsay. It's a win-win for one Mr. Giles, anyhow. That is -- if he can escape the wrath of the Lohan and her ever-evanescing posse.

Wait, WHAT!? I thought Adrian Grenier needed a smack upside his head when he started hanging out with Paris Hilton. But now I hear that The L Word's androgynous hottie Katherine Moennig has been seen out with the socialite. And apparently this isn't news -- it's just being brought up in light of Paris and Brittny Gastineau's parade around town.

Turns out that Paris and Brittny were spotted at several LA lesbian hot spot, and Paris was spotted on yet another occasion with Lindsay Lohan's alleged live-in lesbian lover (number two) Courtenay Semel.

Either Paris is getting really desperate for attention or she's already clawed her way through the men of Hollywood and is starting on the women.

[Photo courtesy of Wenn.com]

Cheap Eats in NYC

Still recovering from the financial setbacks of a college education, I’ve spent the past four months dipping into the great pool of cheap eats in New York City. Here are the five best I’ve happened upon thus far:

5. Alice’s Tea Cup
Click here for locations
I was hesitant to try this place at first, after having read that Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen cited it as one of their NYC haunts (alongside the mostly deplorable Serendipity 3). But a craving for some esoteric tea and true British scones could not be sated, and I was formally introduced to Alice’s incomparable pumpkin scones. For $9, a pot of tea (3-4 cups) and two rich scones are yours. Sounds like a good meal to me, anytime.

There are now three locations in New York City, but my favorite is the East Side location.

4. Dallas BBQ
Click here for locations
This might sound like a joke, but I’m serious. The fries are great, the ribs are as good they come, and the drinks are HUGE. Come hungry, leave tipsy!

3. Mitali
334 E 6th Street, between 1st and 2nd Avenue

The décor’s a little off, but this place offers the best Indian I’ve ever had. I highly recommend the Aloo Motor Gobi. And their alcoholic beverages come complete with corny, euphemistic names like “nectar” and “love”.

2. Cucina di Pesce
87 E 4th St, between 2nd and 3rd Avenue

This one’s a hidden gem. For a little over $20, you can have yourself an intimate and romantic three-course meal. Try everything, including going in the summertime when you can sit outside and people-watch.

1. Café Gitane
242 Mott Street, between Prince and Houston

Okay, so I obviously missed out on the days it was the place hipsters flocked to, but I’m kind of glad. This French-Moroccan place has an amazing couscous platter and chicken sandwich. I can’t imagine that anything here would be anything but heavenly. Apparently Gisele Bundchen still pops in every once in a while, and it still draws a steady stream of models and artsy clientele. If you find beautiful women to be a turnoff, don’t let them stop you — for once, those hipsters got it right.

Bloomin' Babies

If “preggers” was the word on everyone’s mind in 2007’s Hollywood, “poppin’” might be the one in 2008. In the two weeks since we turned the page, two young pop icons have popped out two young’uns, and at least two others have announced that they are going to reproduce in the coming year.

Here’s my completely non-comprehensive list. Feel free to add on:

Birthed:
- Max Liron Bratman – Christina Aguilera and Jordan Bratman
- Harlow Winter Kate Madden – Nicole Richie and Joel Madden

Still floating in amniotic fluid:
- Baby Spears III - Jamie-Lynn Spears and Casey Aldridge or Creepy Old Executive
- Baby Anthony I and II – Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony
- Baby Upton III – Cate Blanchett and Andrew Upton
- Baby Aubry – Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry
- Baby Urban – Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban
- Baby McConaughey – Camila Alves and Matthew McConaughey

Rumors are circulating that Avril Lavigne is spawning, although she has slammed those down quicker than a flyswatter to a mosquito. But isn’t that how most pregnancy announcements start out?

Parents too embarrassed to acknowledge his/her existence:
- Baby Whibley - Avril Lavigne and Deryck Whibley
- Baby Jolie-Pitt CXII – Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt
- Baby Parker – Eva Longoria and Tony Parker
- Baby Duhamel – Stacy “Fergie” Ferguson and Josh Duhamel (oh God, please let this be true!)
- Baby Ghalib – Britney Spears and Adnan Ghalib
- Baby (Goliath) Martin III - Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin

Imagine all these kids (minus Baby Spears III) going to school together … and then spawning again, when they grow up to be high school sweethearts. Gene selection at its best – this time minus Max Bratman, Harlow Madden and Baby Whibley.

Announcements are usually made in the third or fourth month. This is January 16th. That gives Hollywood another five-and-a-half months to get knocked up in time for The Crossroads School’s Class of 2026. Jesus.

The Sorbitol Diet

On Friday, news spread about an article published in the past week’s “British Medical Journal” on sorbitol, the artificial sweetener. Sorbitol is the latest and greatest artificial sweetener found in gum, most notably Orbit and Eclipse. Apparently there have been two cases of excessive weight loss (following chronic diarrhea and abdominal pain, natch) in sugar-free gum chain-chewers.

A 21-year-old woman chewed a mere fifteen to eighteen sticks of the stuff a day before noticing its effects. The other, a 46-year-old man, was chewing 20 sticks a day. Their doctors found that as soon as they had stopped chewing the sorbitol-infested gum, symptoms subsided and normal weight was achieved.

Not to endorse or provoke it or anything, but anyone else think this is going to be the new underground diet fad? À la Mary-Kate Olsen’s supposed Starbucks (but really cocaine) diet?

Class of 2007, The Playlist

My posts have mostly been making me sound like I have a stick up my ass, so today’s entry is just lighthearted nonsense. Imeem.com has been publishing celebrities’ favorite songs of 2007. I’m no celebrity, but here are some songs that I think defined 2007:


[Photo courtesy of bethelwholesale.com]

10. “Umbrella”, Rihanna
Okay, no one actually likes this song but it’s become some sort of pop culture phenomenon, with everyone from Mandy Moore and Dashboard Confessional covering it. It even launched Marié Digby’s career. I still don’t know what the big deal is, but if any song were to win the Class of 2007 award, it’s actually my personal number ten, “Umbrella (ella ella eh eh eh)”.

Superlative: Most likely to spawn a hike in umbrella-shaped earrings sales

9. “Give It To Me”, Timbaland ft. Justin Timberlake and Nelly Furtado
The Club Song. The Song Whose Name I Never Remember but The Song I Will Never Forget.

Superlative: Most likely to make petite Asian girls think they’ve got street cred.

8. “Say It Right”, Nelly Furtado
There’s no explaining this one. It’s just like the Backstreet Boys’ “I Want It That Way.” It makes little sense, but it’s addictive.

Superlative: Most likely to provoke girl-on-girl dancing. Or maybe it’s just because I went to a women’s college.

7. “This Is Why I’m Hot”, MIMS
No one can deny the brilliance of this song and the ingenuity of its lyrics: “I’m hot ‘cause I’m fly, you ain’t ‘cause you not. This is why, this is why, this is why I’m hot.”

Superlative: Sexiest opening bars, if you can call that pulsing beat music.

6. “Don’t Matter”, Akon
Romantic, yes, but secretly the most LGBT-sympathetic song of the year. I mean … “how much of a queen you are to me”? Come on.

Superlative: Most difficult song to dance to at the club when flyin’ solo

5. “Here In Your Arms”, Hellogoodbye
For the head-bopping, arm-raising white boy in all of us.

Superlative: Most WASPy song lyric (“Hello, I miss you quite terribly”)

4. “The Sweet Escape”, Gwen Stefani ft. Akon
It took me two months of dancing to this two times a week to figure out what she was saying about the refrigerator. And when I did, it was euphoric.

Superlative: Most likely to prompt ridiculous dancing. And possibly a “Sweet Escape” Dance.

3. “Buy U A Drank”, T-Pain
Nothing screams early summer angst like the oohing and aahing of T-Pain.

Superlative: Best song to proclaim love of a member of the same sex to. Because you’d get bitch slapped any other way.

2. “Glamorous”, Fergie
Any song that introduces ghetto vocabulary into the American mainstream while still teaching me how to spell and telling me to get my “broke ass home” is awesome in my book.

Superlative: Most likely to provoke intellectual conversation and debate over whether she’s saying “flossy flossy” or “flouncy flouncy.” Apparently we were too preppy to understand.

1. “Cupid’s Chokehold”, Gym Class Heroes
If lyrics like “… she even cooks me pancakes and Alka Seltzer when my tummy aches” ain’t love, then I don’t know what love is.

Superlative: Best expression of vocal ability with use of the words “ba da da da”. I still can’t get the pitch right when I’m sober.

Final verdict: I spent a lot of time dancing with girls in the first half of 2007.

Arriving: Eventually

[Photo courtesy of jovovich-hawk.com, from their Spring 2008 Collection]

In an uncharacteristic turn, Target’s Go International is keeping mum about its next designer, who fashion aficionados know – and have known for upwards of four months – to be the design team Jovovich-Hawk. In the past year or so, Target has lined its designers back-to-back, with arrivals and departures within days of one another. Erin Fetherstone’s disappointing collection departed on January 5th, and still, there has been no official word or press release from Target, never mind the sneak peeks of outfits.

Word has it that Target wants to make the Jovovich-Hawk debut at New York’s Olympus Fashion Week in early February.

Jovovich has said, “Our Target line will have all our classic pieces: smock dresses, tunics, minis, all vintage-inspired, great prints. We took the things that sold the best for us but we’re doing it on a bigger scale.”

Whatever the reason, throw the dog a damn bone already! Or could it be that Target’s bottomless well of designers is beginning to run dry?

The Jovovich-Hawk line is set to “arrive” at Target stores nationwide on March 2nd.