I'm back -- with a half-assed tan.

Too bad it rained half the time I was there. Even "more" bad, that all the celebrities mosied on over to the East Coast while I was on the other side of the damn continent.

But, yes, you have full rights to Louis and Elvee.

Flashing headline news!!! Britney Spears, who placed numero uno on FHM's 100 Sexiest Women last year, did not appear at all on this year's list! Ms. Jolie has instead taken the coveted spot. Here's the list for your perusal, a little edited:

1. Angelina Jolie
2. Jennifer Garner
3. Paris Hilton
4. Charlize Theron
5. Halle Berry
6. Alyssa Milano
7. Teri Hatcher
8. Pamela Anderson (yeah, I could be number 8 too if I had enough money)
9. Scarlett Johansson
10.try maybe 36. Lindsay Lohan
11. Keira Knightley
12. Salma Hayek
13. Cameron Diaz
14. Leeann Tweeden [qui?]
15.99. Mariah Carey
16. Jessica Simpson
17. Beyoncé Knowles
18.76. Carmen Electra [cuz she can't act!]
19. Maria Sharapova
20. Jennifer Love Hewitt
22. Jessica Biel
21. Jessica Alba [who the hell made that mistake!?]
23. Brooke Burke
24. Jenna Jameson
25. Heidi Klum
26. Vida Guerra
27. Christina Aguilera
28. Kristin Kreuk
29. Faith Hill
30. Gwen Stefani
31. Jennifer Lopez
32. The Olsen Twins
33. Shania Twain
34. Beth Ostrosky
35. Mandy Moore
36. Josie Maran [oh, somebody move her up! Maybe she and Lohan can switch spots.]
37. Janet Jackson
38. Eva Longoria
39. Adriana Lima
40. Reese Witherspoon (I always thought she was a little funny looking. And I'm not just saying that because her husband's hot.)
41. Jennifer Aniston [what!? Reese higher than Aniston!? NO.]
42. Jamie-Lynn DiScala
43. Tara Reid
44. Maggie Grace
45. Elizabeth Hurley
46. Eliza Dushku [someone move this girl up too]
47. Kate Hudson [and her]
48. Anna Benson
49. Natalie Portman [and especially her]
50. LeAnn Rimes
51. Penelope Cruz
52. Mischa Barton
53. Eva Mendes
54. Jenny McCarthy (She reminds me of my second roommate, but with a bigger mouth.)
55. Katherine Heigl
56. Lucy Liu
57. Jennie Finch
58. Maggie Gyllenhaal
59. Amanda Righetti (try ... 17?)
60. Kate Bosworth (up up up!)
61. Estella Warren (ditto)
62. Anna Kournikova
63. Landi Swanepoel
64. Sarah Michelle Gellar
65. Gisele Bundchen (oh my GOD here's our NUMBER ONE)
66. Neve Campbell (why is she even still on this list!?)
67. Uma Thurman (no no no no no)
68. Catherine Zeta-Jones
69. Nicole Kidman (number 4?)
70. Emma Bunton
71. Kate Beckinsale
72. Katie Holmes
73. Morgan Webb
74. Heather Graham
75. Evangeline Lilly
76. Shakira
77. Rachel Bilson
78. Kaley Cuoco
79. Amanda Beard
80. Sofia Vergara
81. Ashanti
82. Denise Richards
83. Molly Sims
84. Alessandra Ambrosio
85. Kelly Ripa (Hells no! If Britney doesn't deserve it, neither does she!)
86. Mayra Veronica
87. Jamie Pressley (Not after that crazy drunken New Years, you're not!)
88. Jennifer Connelly
89. Monica Bellucci
90. Kristi Leskinen
91. Logan Tom
92. Kelly Clarkson
93. Jennifer Hanson
94. Courtney Hansen
95. Alicia Keys
96. Brande Roderick
97. Natalie Gulbis
98. Milla Jovovich
99. Rebecca Romijn
100. Roselyn Sanchez

The Forgotten
3. Petra Nemcova
11. Taylor Cole
31. Mallory Snyder
38. Lindsey McKeon
46. Maria Menounos
50. Ashlee Simpson

Okay, maybe I should just save it for the boys.

Yes, AOL can!

I've been signing onto AOL recently because AIM has those #*@&$@ Ring2 ads. And I SWEAR, I don't click on it, but this little pop-up movie thing comes up with NO provocation and starts playing some "She didn't die" crap. Well, anyway, so I sign onto AIM today, and I see that creepy little girl floating around, so I sign on to AOL instead. Lo (heehee) and behold, there's a movie playing on the AOL Welcome Screen of... what?? A hand putting a tape into a VCR, and a caption proclaiming "Naomi (who is that?) takes you inside the Ring." Needless to say, I x-ed that shit before the floating girl came on. AOL GO TO HELL.

On another note, HAVE A SAFE TRIP, LC! I miss The Pop World already =( I hope you're having a wild time! Be sure to tell me all about it so I can live vicariously through you =D

P.S. Instead of Dolce & Gabbana, I've decided on naming my chihuahuas Louis and Elvee. It may be a while before I can get them, but you have heard it here first on theglitteratini. If any celebs *cough*HIL*cough* get any more dogs with suspiciously similar names, you know who the original is.

AOL can go straight to hell.

We've been saying this for years, but it really can now.

Headline reads: "Steriod Hearing Is Set to Begin"

'Nuff said.

I'm off to sunny(er) SoCal, so no posts from me for a while!
Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Kiss my arse.

On behalf of The Glitterati (one of whom, may I add, attended this very school), I am making a public outcry against this Daily News article. Not that the Daily News ever had any credibility, anyway. I do believe that a number of years ago, it had Winona Ryder on its cover for two or three consecutive days when much more important things were going on in our world (yes, this is coming from moi).

Seniors who graduated in 2002 did not get the sort of treatment these seniors are getting. Seniors of 2003 didn't either. And as far as I'm concerned, neither did seniors of 2004. College admission rates have steadily been going down over the past half-decade, at least. What makes the Class of 2005 any different?

STOP using September 11th to your advantage. It's not yours to use.

Snowy Saturday

What to do on a snowy Saturday afternoon?

Well, amidst all this talk about Wellesley College's Dyke Ball, there arises one knight in shining armor, one that almost makes the rest not-so-bad. We made Page Six!

'DYKE' DRUNKS

March 9, 2005 -- WELLESLEY College hasn't decided whether or not to cancel next year's "Dyke Ball," even after 11 co-eds who got drunk before the cross-dress fest sponsored by a lesbian, transgendered and bisexual group ended up in the emergency room the other night. The ball, a popular tradition at the women's college in which female partygoers wear Saran Wrap and corsets and men are clad as drag queens or in skimpy thongs, also turned into a boozy bacchanal last year, when a dozen students were hospitalized. Wellesley spokeswoman Mary Ann Hill told us, "We obviously take the incident very seriously, but we haven't made any decision about next year at this point." She added, "The party itself was an alcohol-free event. It was a very in-control party." College officials tried to encourage sobriety by sending pizzas and hot chocolate to dorms and pushing an alcohol awareness campaign that began after last year's party.

Onwards we move to the beloved Ryan Gosling. I found this quote to be particularly hilarious, but probably only because it's true: "Hostage" is a multiplex hybrid built from bits and pieces of "Desperate Hours," "Panic Room" and "Cellular," plus elements of Bruce Willis' "Die Hard" franchise and any youth-weirdo movie featuring Ryan Gosling. (Credit Philadelphia Daily News)

Lastly, taken from Popdirt.com, it's official! Joel Madden is a pervy little pedophile! (But we still love you.)
Us Weekly reports that Joel Madden, who celebrated his 26th birthday along with twin brother Benji on Friday, was spotted in several Los Angeles locations with 17-year-old Hilary Duff on February 26th. The couple's first stop was at Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf in Beverly Hills. "Joel was keeping her Chihuahua warm," an onlooker explained. "That puppy wasn't going to touch the ground as long as he was there." Afterwards, the pair made a pit-stop at Duff's house before lunching at Mexicali. "They held hands, and she was grinning," a witness said. "They're obviously tired of hiding."

Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew!

Lots of disgusting PDA stories from our favorite (or perhaps, least favorite) teen stars ...

As Bruce Willis prepares to turn 50 later this month, the actor enjoyed a mutual gropefest with 18-year-old Lindsay Lohan after the premiere of his new flick 'Hostage' at Peninsula Hotel. "At one point, Bruce had Lindsay's pants down far enough to reveal a tattoo that said 'La Bella Vista' (The Beautiful View) on her right cheek," a witness revealed. Eventually, Willis and a few friends, including Lohan, took the party upstairs to his suite.

Star magazine reports that Hilary Duff and sister Haylie Duff were doing some canoodling with their boyfriends at Hollywood's Club Xes for Haylie's 20th birthday bash. Underaged Hilary was "holding hands, snuggling and kissing up a storm all night long" with her 25-year-old Good Charlot[t]e beau Joel Madden, while Halie and her guy Erik von Detten were spotted "kissing in the corner."
(both stories credit popdirt.com)

Ew ... Haylie and Erik!? I don't know who to be more disappointed in, cuz Haylie has been lookin' quite hot with her brown hair of late. But still ... Erik -- tsktsk.

So touched

Instead of the customary Ashlee Simpson Show, I "watched" the 20/20 Special with Petra Nemcova, the Czechoslavakian model who survived the tsunami late last year.

It was more than moving, just her will to survive and her loss of love ... but her determination to make light not of but with it all and move on.

From ABC.com, "There are lots of things which I would love to tell [her deceased boyfriend, photographer Simon Atlee], but in some way, I also feel that I lost the person closest to me. And I got second chance to live. So in a way I feel that I live for both of us and I will do my best," Nemcova said.

She is my new hero.

I hate you.

AIM.com needs to hire some competent people.

Prominent headline: China Law Pressures Tiawan

By the way, that headline may as well not be there, because it doesn't say anything about anything. China Law? Chinese Law? I'm so confuzzled. It may as well say, "China Hates Taiwan."

You know it's true.

Bah. The Pop World is not happy today. She twisted her ankle getting back an Astronomy exam she did relatively terribly on.

Oh no, baby, not again ...

I thought he learned his lesson last time ...

The Associated Press says, quite eloquently (doncha think, with the dazzling quotes and all):

Carter, 25, was behind the wheel of a vehicle observed committing a traffic violation when police stopped him Saturday night in downtown Huntington Beach, police Lt. Dave Bunetta said.

"The officer that stopped him noticed some traffic violation was occurring," Bunetta said. "When he was contacted by the officers they conducted an investigation which would include field sobriety tests and they formed the opinion he was under the influence."

Carter was arrested and booked for investigation of drunken driving and his vehicle was impounded, Bunetta said. The type of vehicle wasn't disclosed.

It wasn't known how long Carter was in jail. Motorists arrested for drunken driving in Huntington Beach are typically held for a minimum of four hours then, after evaluation, are released with a citation ordering them to appear in court within 45 days, Bunetta said.

"Nick Carter deeply regrets the current situation. He is on doctor-prescribed medication and was unaware of its interaction possibilities," Carter publicist Juliette Harris said in a statement Monday.

From another source:
Because the investigation is still active, Bunetta could not release other details about the arrest or Carter's sobriety tests. "He was cooperative, and there was nothing unusual about his demeanor," Bunetta said.

I'm more inclined to believe the authorities, but given this happened at 7:30pm, I'm a little skeptical, or maybe incredulous is a better word, that he was drunk.

Poor, poor Nickee. At least you looked hot in your mug shot.


(Photo courtesy of thesmokinggun.com)

Yo. I shouldn't disrespect like that.

I hope you get sued.

I came across this site that offers many creative and original statement shirts (such as "I'm a Seth girl") as well as many ... not so original ones.

These shirts look a little familiar to you?


Try American Eagle Outfitters.

How about this one?

(Photo courtesy of ... the unlawful, "Wearatshirt.com")


Morphine Generation.
(Photo courtesy of UrbanOutfitters.com)

We best remove these before a lawyer comes-a-callin' ...

Oh no!

This is about as big of an "Oh no!" as the Jen-Brad thing. Almost.

Katie Holmes and Chris Klein have "broken up" -- or rather, called off their engagement (does that necessarily mean they've broken up, though?) after having dated for five years and been engaged for a little over a year. According to Us Weekly, a publicist (but not THE publicist, Leslie Sloane Zelnick -- poor woman, she also represents Lindsay Lohan or last I checked, before Lindz became the diva she is) said, "They broke off the engagement but are remaining good friends."

How sad. I never did like Chris Klein much, but who wouldn't love sweet little Joey Potter?

I'm alive!

I know i've been neglecting my duty as being half of the Glitterati, but that's because I've been taking care of my new baby. And playing Zoo Tycoon. And studying for midterms. Anyway, here's Bentley, the ORIGINAL. I hate Hilary Duff and I hate her pom named Bentley, but mine was first, and he's gangSTARRRR.









And here's Hil's fake Bentley. Take him and his ugly Lily Boots AWAY! G Boots and Dugs (above) are better anyway.