I'm back -- with a half-assed tan.

Too bad it rained half the time I was there. Even "more" bad, that all the celebrities mosied on over to the East Coast while I was on the other side of the damn continent.

But, yes, you have full rights to Louis and Elvee.

Flashing headline news!!! Britney Spears, who placed numero uno on FHM's 100 Sexiest Women last year, did not appear at all on this year's list! Ms. Jolie has instead taken the coveted spot. Here's the list for your perusal, a little edited:

1. Angelina Jolie
2. Jennifer Garner
3. Paris Hilton
4. Charlize Theron
5. Halle Berry
6. Alyssa Milano
7. Teri Hatcher
8. Pamela Anderson (yeah, I could be number 8 too if I had enough money)
9. Scarlett Johansson
10.try maybe 36. Lindsay Lohan
11. Keira Knightley
12. Salma Hayek
13. Cameron Diaz
14. Leeann Tweeden [qui?]
15.99. Mariah Carey
16. Jessica Simpson
17. Beyoncé Knowles
18.76. Carmen Electra [cuz she can't act!]
19. Maria Sharapova
20. Jennifer Love Hewitt
22. Jessica Biel
21. Jessica Alba [who the hell made that mistake!?]
23. Brooke Burke
24. Jenna Jameson
25. Heidi Klum
26. Vida Guerra
27. Christina Aguilera
28. Kristin Kreuk
29. Faith Hill
30. Gwen Stefani
31. Jennifer Lopez
32. The Olsen Twins
33. Shania Twain
34. Beth Ostrosky
35. Mandy Moore
36. Josie Maran [oh, somebody move her up! Maybe she and Lohan can switch spots.]
37. Janet Jackson
38. Eva Longoria
39. Adriana Lima
40. Reese Witherspoon (I always thought she was a little funny looking. And I'm not just saying that because her husband's hot.)
41. Jennifer Aniston [what!? Reese higher than Aniston!? NO.]
42. Jamie-Lynn DiScala
43. Tara Reid
44. Maggie Grace
45. Elizabeth Hurley
46. Eliza Dushku [someone move this girl up too]
47. Kate Hudson [and her]
48. Anna Benson
49. Natalie Portman [and especially her]
50. LeAnn Rimes
51. Penelope Cruz
52. Mischa Barton
53. Eva Mendes
54. Jenny McCarthy (She reminds me of my second roommate, but with a bigger mouth.)
55. Katherine Heigl
56. Lucy Liu
57. Jennie Finch
58. Maggie Gyllenhaal
59. Amanda Righetti (try ... 17?)
60. Kate Bosworth (up up up!)
61. Estella Warren (ditto)
62. Anna Kournikova
63. Landi Swanepoel
64. Sarah Michelle Gellar
65. Gisele Bundchen (oh my GOD here's our NUMBER ONE)
66. Neve Campbell (why is she even still on this list!?)
67. Uma Thurman (no no no no no)
68. Catherine Zeta-Jones
69. Nicole Kidman (number 4?)
70. Emma Bunton
71. Kate Beckinsale
72. Katie Holmes
73. Morgan Webb
74. Heather Graham
75. Evangeline Lilly
76. Shakira
77. Rachel Bilson
78. Kaley Cuoco
79. Amanda Beard
80. Sofia Vergara
81. Ashanti
82. Denise Richards
83. Molly Sims
84. Alessandra Ambrosio
85. Kelly Ripa (Hells no! If Britney doesn't deserve it, neither does she!)
86. Mayra Veronica
87. Jamie Pressley (Not after that crazy drunken New Years, you're not!)
88. Jennifer Connelly
89. Monica Bellucci
90. Kristi Leskinen
91. Logan Tom
92. Kelly Clarkson
93. Jennifer Hanson
94. Courtney Hansen
95. Alicia Keys
96. Brande Roderick
97. Natalie Gulbis
98. Milla Jovovich
99. Rebecca Romijn
100. Roselyn Sanchez

The Forgotten
3. Petra Nemcova
11. Taylor Cole
31. Mallory Snyder
38. Lindsey McKeon
46. Maria Menounos
50. Ashlee Simpson

Okay, maybe I should just save it for the boys.