Learn your lessons from celebrities' mistakes.

So while I was gone, the impossible and nearly unthinkable happened -- Katie Holmes gave birth. But y'all know that already so I'm not going to dote on the freakish. What's funny (aside from having given birth on the same floor of the same hospital on the same day as Tom Cruise's arch-nemesis Brooke Shields) is that rumors are going around that baby Suri's name does not mean "Princess" in Hebrew as previously thought, but instead, "go" or "leave." That would be fun, no? [Photo courtesy of whatever Hindustan Times uses ;)]

After Denise Richards recently accused her estranged husband Charlie Sheen of threatening to kill her (among other things), Charlie is set to launch his children's clothing line tonight in Los Angeles! The line is named "Sheen Kids" aaaaand that's all you need to know. Really.

Some stories I won't delve into but deserve a mention --
Leonardo DiCaprio was injured on the set of his new movie The Blood Diamond in Mozambique, Africa. He's also dating a twenty-year-old Israeli model by the name of Bar Refaeli.
Backstreet Boy Nick Carter is under investigation for sexual assault after a twenty-year-old Wisconsin woman (glad I turned twenty-one two weeks ago! What is up with these twenty-year-old girls haha) who met him through little brother Aaron stayed with him at a friend's house in Key West, Florida. Lesson here? Never trust Aaron Carter.

Paris Hilton has been extra-stupid lately. She almost electrocuted herself by drunkenly jumping into a swimming pool after a garden light had fallen into it. According to a Sunday Mirror source, "Everyone was stunned. Paris was lucky she didn't get electrocuted. She thought it was hilarious. Stavros jumped in next and accidentally knocked her on the head in the process." According to the mag, Paris then "treated guests to an inebriated attempt at a sexy pole dance." The source commented that "Paris was so drunk she could barely hold onto the pole -- let alone dance." Hmm. What else is new?

Well, apparently Paris also turned on the waterworks to get herself out of a ticket. Her new Mercedes SLR is so new it doesn't have valid registration for the state of California, but Paris began crying and the female officer felt sorry for her and eventually let her go with just a warning. Damn dumbassed woman. She should've known better -- it's Paris Hilton for crying out loud.

But my favorite story has got to be the one about Ashlee Simpson approaching Hilary Duff at L.A. nightclub Basque and telling her that she has chunky arms. Big sister Haylie told Ashlee to get lost and, according to The New York Post, had "choice words for Ashlee's own big sister, Jessica Simpson." The Simpsons' rep said, "Ashlee thinks Hilary has perfectly lovely arms." The Duffs' rep gave a vague, "They said they had a really fun night." I'll bet they did!