Paris is for Lovers, not Los Angeles.

Ah, I am back after a prolonged hiatus -- much thanks to my own stupidity. (I spilled soup on my keyboard last night. Bastardini, my laptop, is still recovering.) Belated birthday wishes to the now twenty-eight year-old A.J. McLean, of the Backstreet Boys.

While I've been gone, tons of relationship rumors have sprung, seemingly, out of nowhere. Let's maul our way through them.

A.J. McLean and the Backstreet Boys' opening act over the summer, Kaci Brown (a.k.a. the girl who I formed a strong dislike for at the concerts), who -- mind you -- is only seventeen to A.J.'s ripe twenty-eight. This one didn't exactly spring out of nowhere, as Kaci has been playing childish games on her official forum and slyly neither confirming nor denying the rumor. All I can say is ... gawd, I hope not.

Another one coming out of Backstreet land ... LB Daily reported that Us Magazine's VIP Scene spotted Laguna Beach's Alex Murrel and Nick Carter going at it in Costa Mesa's Sutra Lounge. Some have said that Alex M. is good friends with Nick's younger sister Angel who is, incidentally, the same age as Alex. Gross. Well, here's what I think -- a very undiscerning eye caught all this action and mistook Aaron Carter for older brother Nick. Hey, it happens to the best of them ... and plus, what's Nicky doing down in Costa Mesa, anyway? I thought the furthest he was willing to go was Huntington Beach after that ill-fated prescription drug and alcohol whammy. (Plus, Aaron's wonderful friends are at it again. Now they're enthusiastically sanctioning the rumor that he and Laguna's Kristin Cavallari are dating. Perhaps Aaron is trying to sidestep his way into the Laguna circle?) [Photo courtesy of Not Like You]

Other ridiculous ones were about Lindsay Lohan; I'm not going to bother to elaborate. I think the only person more sick and "tired of rumors starting" about her than me is the Lindz Lo herself. And that bulimia bit? She never actually admitted to being bulimic,, did she? She said she was making herself sick. That could be interpreted in a number of ways -- and the Vanity Fair writer chose to edit Lohan's words to make it sound as such. Lohan's under-appreciated publicist (and likely underpaid) Leslie Sloane denied that Lohan's bulimic. What I think? Anorexic, maybe. Bulimic, I don't think so. [Photo courtesy of ONTD]

Lindsay also has a new old chair in her collection, from the antique store she ran into to hide from paparazzi following her car crash in October. Why? "I ran into the corner (of the shop) and sat down on this old chair, and I look down and there's blood specks all over the chair ... I looked at my assistant. I said, 'Buy this chair. It's not getting sold on eBay.'"

On the mini Paris Hilton and Stavros Niarchos car crash in November, socialite Steve-O told Jimmy Kimmel: “About a half hour before Paris Hilton had that car crash, I may have given her some mind-altering substances" -- nitrous-filled balloons. Interesting. Very interesting. Is that the same stuff that makes you sound like Donald Duck, or am I mixing my gases up?